Trust me, I know.
Recently I made facebook post about how I almost passed on having holiday photos made because I felt fat. I decided to just get the pictures done. I had bronchitis and a fever that day. I barely wanted to be out of the house, much less in make up and trying to smile between the coughs. I wanted to find a dress that hid me but was flattering.
In 2010 I felt like I had a great handle on my health and fitness. I'd recently lost more than 25 pounds and was preparing to run in my first 1/2 marathon. I felt great but still hid my body when in a bathing suit. I'd wrap a towel around me and have to get a buzz at the pool or beach before I would feel comfortable to just relax and enjoy the moment.
In 2012 I had reached my a point where I was "hot" but I didn't feel super hot. I still needed that number on the scale to read a certain number. I still needed a flat stomach with a fat roll. I still needed to wear a certain size in jeans. Now when I look back on those pictures I want to scream at that old me and say LOVE YOURSELF. Stop doing this to yourself. I look at those pictures of me and I was damn hot and didn't even believe it. I was searching for more. Searching for perfect. I'd get extensions in my hair and I'd go tanning and wear fake eyelashes. It still wasn't enough to feel better.
In 2014 the beginning of a 2 year depression started. The weight started to pack on. My body was doing strange things. My back went out, my periods were becoming irregular, my feet were hurting for no reason, and I'd have emotional outbursts and cravings for foods. Maybe it was pre-menopause. More self hatred. Why didn't I love myself when I was in 2010? Why didn't I take more pictures of myself in 2012 when I obviously looked so awesome? Why did I let myself go? Why didn't I stop myself from going so far down into the spiral of shame and bullshit?
So here we are. 2017 is about to kick off. I used to talk to my friends and say THIS IS THE YEAR I'll get to my goal weight. This is the year I'll be in that bikini. Screw all that. THIS IS THE YEAR I love myself. This is the year I stop worrying about the damn number on the scale. This is the year I put clean foods into my body and HONOR my body no matter if I have a hair growing out of my chin or a lopsided boob. THIS is the year of self love. This is the year I'll help others like me who feel stuck in the self hatred spiral. This is the year I take YOU by the hand and say come with me. We've got this. We are worth it.
Don't hide. Don't wait until you lose 10 more pounds before you get the family pictures.
Don't wait until you get into a size 8 before you treat yourself to a new pair of boots.
Don't say NO to the beach trip because you don't want to be in a bathing suit.
Stop hiding from life. This is the only one you get and you are not guaranteed tomorrow. If you are lucky enough to reach this then you survived another day in 2016. There were many people who weren't lucky to have that gift. The list of celebrity deaths is long for 2016. Christmas Eve a young man was killed on his motorcycle on his way to see his family. On Christmas Eve a facebook friend of mine passed away at home of a heart attack. Her family was worried when she didn't show up for the Christmas Eve dinner. Earlier that day she was wishing people happy birthday on facebook and a few hours later she was gone. My friend lost her father right before Thanksgiving. He had stage 4 lung cancer.
Death doesn't wait for you to get to your goal weight.
Death doesn't wait for you to write your book.
Live now. Take the pictures now. Spend time with family now. Make the memories and share the love. This includes self love.
A friend of mine reached out to me and said "I don't know how you always know, but thank you," my post about not getting pictures made rang true with her. How do I always know? Trust me, I know. I know how you spend the time not loving yourself. I know how you spend the time being critical and torturing yourself. I know.
Don't cheat yourself out of an opportunity to have a happy life. Stop looking at the past and trying to change it. Have patience with yourself. Love yourself. This is your only opportunity to be you.
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