The Shame Game
The shame game. You've played it. I've played it. I hate playing it. That look on my face says it all. Over the last several years I let emotional eating take its toll on my body and my mind. Eating out of boredom and stress. I'd rather not deal with XYZ issue so I'll eat. I feel anxious so I'm going to eat. I don't have time to make a meal so I'll just eat what is quick. Never seems to work out in my favor. In the end my body keeps an accurate record of what I ate.
Today was a new day. AGAIN. I ordered 2B Mindset. A focus on food. Not a focus on a specific meal plan and timed nutrition. Not a workout program with containers. Not a start and a finish. It isn't 21 days, 30 days, 60, 80 or 90 days. This is a lifestyle shift. It's a mindset shift.
THIS is what I've been wanting for the last 4 years. In the last 4 years I've consistently gained 10 pounds a year. I might lose some here and there but by the time I hit January it was basically a 10 pound gain.
When your pants are tight.
When the towel pops off and doesn't stay on your body.
When your shorts don't even go over your hips.
When you have to buy stretchy stuff to wear.
When you are more comfortable in your pajamas than in anything else.
When you don't like the way you look in the mirror so you don't look.
When you stop taking pictures of yourself.
When you don't want to go places.
When you eat "bad things" when no one is watching.
When you cry at how far you've let yourself go.
When you get a blood test back that says you are pre-diabetic.
That is when you have to have a wake up call. That is when you have to deal with your emotions. You can't keep eating them to numb what is going on. When you numb the bad you numb the good.
Today I took the dreaded before pictures. I took measurements. I'm embarrassed to say that my measurements are probably about the same as a 6 foot tall man. I'm 5 foot 3. I put on some shorts that I wouldn't be caught dead in and took the pictures. I must admit I haven't been on the scale much. I haven't been going to Weight Watchers. I haven't been logging my food at all. Denial has been my partner.
Denial and I walk around together and pretend we are too busy to meal prep. We like to stuff handfuls of chips into our mouth and pretend it is just as healthy as cucumbers. We don't have time to grocery shop. We eat hamburgers in the dark in the movie theater and we drink 3 or more glasses of wine several times a week. We hang out a lot.
As 2B Mindset started to come into the picture I was getting excited. A chance to kick denial out and focus on the real me. A focus on being friends with MYSELF again. Loving who I see in the mirror. Inspired, happy and fitting in my clothes.
I'm tired of denial and the shame game. Today is Day 1 of 2B Mindset.
I'm ready. I'm so ready. I'm ready to wear the clothes I wore 6 months ago, a year ago. I'm ready to take a walk with my dog and not get winded. I'm ready to take a spin class again and feel challenged but not on the verge of death. I'm ready to have my picture taken and not critique it to death.
I'm ready.
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